My heart feels uneasy. I have these butterflies in my tummy that feel like nerves, but they keep trying to flutter to my heart. I am trying to block them the best I can but it's becoming increasingly difficult.
Okay, I need to be honest with myself and watch these words solidify on the screen. I'm scared. Not just a little frightened, I'm fucking terrified. I don't want to meet new people... at least the stubborn, nervous girl that I am doesn't want to. I don't want my friend to meet new people, at least, that same part of me doesn't. What if they forget about me? What if I forget about them? I don't like either of those options.
I've already decided my next tattoo, next piercing, and next hair change for while I'm at school. What if I lose myself? What if I go to college and end up not doing anything I have planned? What if I never finish another story again? What if I decided.. hey.. I should be a.. gym teacher. Or a nutritionist. Or a principal. Or an actress. Or an underwater basket weaver. I don't know if I'm prepared to face the fact that... my future is completely undecided. I'm not prepared because this is when I'm supposed to begin taking the steps to decide it. That's a lot of pressure.
I hope all my friends have a great new adventure at the schools they are going to. I hope we all remember each other. I hope we all still have love for each other, and a place for at least what we did have, if not what we still have, in our hearts.
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its normal to be scared. You're human and no one can blame you for being scared. It is not os much losing yourself as discovering more about yourself, growing up and becoming an adult. Its long, its hard and can be filled with pain. But its filed with fun, laughter and memories. And yeah college is where you get to decide what you want to do, where to go. And don't worry about plans, even when they don't go as planned there is something better on the horizon even if you have to wait a bit. Your future may be undecided, but think of it as a canvas, one where you get to make it what you want, adding the strokes you want in the places you feel they need to go. And you will always remember your friends. Even when you guys start talking less, hanging less and changing, inside you have memories, you have love and that is what counts.
ReplyDeleteThat's what college is for -getting as many bad decisions as possible out of the way before you're forced into the real world. I keep a checklist of 'em on the wall in my room. -Jeph Jacques